The Dating Strengths

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As with most things in life, the way we go about something determines not just our success, but also our happiness along the way.  There are certain principles and strengths that can be applied to dating and relationships that completely transform the experience for both partners.  

     I teach students an approach that benefits them in each aspect of dating and relationships. 

     Being wildly successful at dating and relationships includes, of course, rising above the behaviors that hurt others.  When people understand the dating strengths, they want to practice the behaviors that avoid hurting others because they see clearly how those stronger actions benefit them as well.  

     In addition to avoiding the most extreme ways that people can hurt others, students like learning how they can also avoid the minor ways they may annoy others and hinder their own success.  I am highly motivated to prevent the worst kinds of harm, such as sexual assault and dating violence, but I also like helping people avoid the lesser hurts as well.  

     The key insight that eventually occurred to me after years of study on these issues was the fact that those actions that prevent hurting others also happen to be what increase a person's attractiveness and success anyway.  When students learn the dating strengths they are equipped to be both safe and successful.

The 3 Fundamental Strengths

  • Confidence - Authentic Confidence that Impacts Multiple Areas of Your Life 
     Being socially savvy means having the authentic confidence to pursue those you desire most rather than limiting yourself with beliefs of inferiority or insecurity.  It also means seeing yourself as an equal to all others, which means treating all others with respect and expecting the same in return.  Being socially savvy includes having a high sense of self-worth, which positively impacts every aspect of dating and relationships.

  • Competence - The Skills Required to Be Highly Competent in Each Phase of Dating and Relationships
     Being competent means being able to connect with virtually anyone and having the skills to build a relationship.  Competence means being able to either maintain a healthy relationship or recognize when it is time to end it and move on.  

  • Concern - Proper Concern for Yourself and Others  
     Being socially savvy means knowing that it is a strength to treat others with respect, and a weakness to be careless about another person's feelings or well-being.  It also means caring for one's self by being hyper-aware of the realities of sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies.  
     
     A strong person knows it is a weakness to take advantage of one's size or situation to get what he wants without concern for the other person.  Being socially strong, however, means having the strength to not only rise above the weak behaviors that harm others, but also to intervene to prevent them.  

     The socially strong person knows that coercion is not a strength--it's being above coercive behavior that is a strong quality.  The strong person knows that being controlling isn't an expression of strength--it's self-control and being above the need to control that expresses strength.  

Trial and Error is Not the Best Way to Learn

     I spent a significant part of my dating life being not very savvy at all... and it was painful.  Although I eventually learned how to build authentic confidence, connect with virtually anyone, and be more careful about how I deal with others, I know what it's like to feel a bit lost and lacking in all of those areas. 

     I know what it's like to feel confident and comfortable with anyone, and I know what it's like to feel insecure and inferior.  I know what it's like to get attention and compliments, and I know what it's like to feel the sting of rejection.  
     
     I have broken up with girls for dumb reasons and been dumped for good reasons.  I have moved on from breakups in healthy ways, and I have witnessed myself behaving in some pretty unimpressive ways after a breakup.  

     I have been selfish, aloof, and given girls mixed signals.  I have also been lovesick, smothering, and scared girls away.  I have been spoiled with the attention of multiple great girls, and I have felt lonely and desperate.  

     I have known how to handle the physical aspect of dating and relationships, and I have made situations awkward because of my ignorance at the time.                 

     All of this is somewhat common, but for the sake of all those who would like to avoid mistakes and prevent problems, I love teaching them how to overcome these challenges.       

     Dating and relationships is an area of life that is too important to learn by trial and error.  There is too much at stake. There is too much to lose and too much harm that can be done because of a person's ignorance.  

     The positives, however, are fantastic when relationships are healthy and some key principles are applied.  That's why I love teaching people the dating strengths.          
       
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